Seriously, please fight!
My husband, Russ, and I lead a Married small group called Thrive every Spring and Fall. We share early on how conflict happens in every marriage and we all are working through some kind of issue(s.) For some reason many couples believe the myth that conflict must mean we’re not right for each other…the marriage is heading south.
Growing up in my family, conflict was harsh but one sided. You were most likely being yelled at into submission. Since any kind of response was considered impolite and/or rude, you reacted in silence. Fast forward to my marriage, I married a tiger who can be pretty fierce verbally. Naturally, I fell right into what was modeled growing up and my reaction to conflict was to retreat and lick my wounds. Fighting for me would be avoidance. Stonewalling. Conflict always meant people turning away from each other… for a few minutes, a few days or sometimes even for years.
What I never learned growing up were the tools on how to work through conflict. My parents worked with the only tools they were given. They both had backgrounds which were severely impacted by World War II. Even The Netherlands honors and recognizes the emotional pain the children endured during the 1940s by creating a special monthly stipend for them. Obviously, money doesn’t erase their pain but it certainly shows the compassion the country has for its people. I step back to share this history to appeal to you to connect the dots with your own history. There are very good reasons why your parents act the way they do. And so much of our behavior today is generated by emotional memories that are subconscious.
When I met Russ he had already been in counseling for 5 years. He was trying really hard to understand his role on why his previous marriage did not work out. I met his counselor and immediately fell in love with his style of truth and grace. I had never seen it demonstrated so well. The counselor could tell me a hard truth about myself and yet I respected the lesson and could absorb it instead of becoming defensive.
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned about conflict is if you work through it – in an emotionally safe environment – you will actually grow closer to each other than you would if you ignore or yell through the situation. Dare I say, it is almost magical.
Some of you who have been mentored by us have experienced this new level of intimacy after conflict. I hope you will share your experiences in the comments below. It is unique, beautiful and a gift to learn how to walk through these land mines. Fighting doesn’t have to mean throwing insults or being passive aggressive.
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, -James 1:19
So when I say, “Please fight,” we mean it will all our hearts. Do you need a checklist of how to create an emotionally safe environment and fight in a manner that ultimately will draw you closer to each other? Click here for the checklist that we borrowed from Thrive.
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Melinda Denison says
Such a great post. It’s really helpful to read and learn these truths especially since I naturally retreat during conflict, too. Thank you, Danielle!
danielle west says
Thanks for sharing, Melinda. It took years of counseling to undo my wicked ways. haha Seriously, it takes a lot of work to undo what we’ve have grown up naturally doing for so many years. Counseling has taught us how to process our arguments within the moment instead of taking days to work through. At the time, it felt like money going down the drain to see our counselor (almost once a month for years) but we are benefitting from the time and financial investment.