Introductions through 13:15

Logistics 13:15 - 20:35

Marriage Principles 20:37 - end.

Brags through 08:00

Family of Origin 08:00 - 10:52

Personalizing 10:52 - 13:50

Stonewalling 13:50 - 33:00

Counselor Statistic 33:00 - 36:00

Self-Awareness 36:00 - end.

0 - 10:15 Introductions

10:15 - Administrative

11:55 Submitted Question

25:15 Three things you'd share with engaged couples?

31:50 What should you do when you have a bad reaction against your spouse?

39:00 getting hurt at a dinner party and how to repair

43:04 one second pause

53:40 how many times do we have to go back and reconcile with our spouse?


  1. Bingo Card
  2. Q & A
  3. Zoom Replays
  4. Course Login

2:30 Shanty the Kitty

3:00 Introductions

12:08 Q & A

Ignore things that frustrate us or offer grace?

23:45 Coaching and Vulnerability

via friendly gentle reminders

26:20 Toilet Seat example

29:40 80/20 Rule

31:45 Gratitude Journal

Brains are wired for survival so it’s easier for us to focus on the negatives

37:00 Anonymous Question

Addressing feeling devalued, disrespected and unimportant by your spouse…connect to past behavior (family of origin, marriage hurts over time) to understand the intensity of your anger. The more intense the feeling the more it is about you.

49:14 One second pause, timeout, be curious instead of furious

57:00 Recognize when your spouse is flooded and try to de-escalate yourself

58:45 When you get that angry, ask why did I get so upset? It’s more about me than about my spouse. Be curious instead of furious.

Logistics Review

1:00 Wins

5:00 Book Recommendation: Healing Your Lost Inner Child by Robert Jackman

8:00 Wins continued…

15:30 Questions - What is the magic of relationships? You can respond or react. How do you process in real time?

29:00 Emotional Wounds

Reverse Engineer your emotional wound against your top relational need

Module 3 Lesson 6

Love Languages 2.0

36:00 Being short with our spouses

37:00 Should our spouses be mind readers?

40:00 Confident we will come back to the conversation. Helps to not fix in the moment.

44:30 Time Out

  1. Pre-decide commitment to come back w/in 24 hrs
  2. On your own go through your role and responsibility of the conflict
  3. Be emotionally safe when you come back to the conversation

47:00 Chris Hodges Message

52:00 Win

53:00 Prayer

0-5:33 logistics

5:40 #wins 

7:25 Better Marriage clip referenced in Tiffany’s #win

10:18 trust the process

16:30 benefit of a time out

18:15 what do you do when you come back after conflict? Repair process

Module 5/Lesson 5

22:33 end the standoff 

See pic below shared by Jeanie Unger

26:30 apologizing for THEIR hurt

33:45 am I lovable?

36:45 power of one second

40:00 power of self-awareness

Yunga Pueblo quote via Dr Amen

Healing of your Inner Child

All Together You by Jenna Riemersma

49:45 there’s only one thing you can do in the 1-3 second pause

54:15 example of how Kim & Shane paused during their conflict

56:15 snake analogy

57:50 pulse oximeter

1:00 celebrate your wins!!

1:03 prayer

Photo shared by Jeanie Unger

1:00 Bingo Card

5:00 Question Submitted: How does the brain lie to us?
Altogether You by Jenna Riemersma
7:15 Example - Manager
9:35 Dr Boyd Whaley - “Your anxiety will rarely get you what you trying to achieve. It will usually create the opposite.”
11:50 2nd Example - Firefighter
 “Anger is fear under extreme pressure.” Healing the lost inner child by Robert Jackman
14:19 3rd Example - Internal Critic
16:00 Brain is wired for survival but how do we interpret the signals today since survival is not our top priority?
17:15 Connect your family of origin story to your behavior today. Recognize and manage it better.
18:00 Blaming vs Owning it
20:00 We don’t feel lovable…2 examples
24:30 Internal validation
28:30 Misinterpretations in marriage
30:00 Beauty of understanding each other wounds
30:45 Never fully healed, you learn how to manage the triggers
35:30 Purpose of the course is to give you a proven path of the skills and tools needed for a successful marriage
38:00 The Wisdom of Trauma documentary by Gabor Mate
40:00 If your spouse is upset, try to figure out what the hurt is behind the anger. Be curious instead of furious.
42:00 Codependency
45:00 Identify your emotional wounds - Assessment inside the Course - Module 3 / Lesson 6
51:50 Healing isn’t no longer feeling triggered. We heal by managing respect for how we are feeling and our body and it’s responses. We now grow a tolerance for feeling. Instead of reacting, we pause. Instead of numbing we notice. We now focus on our own body. Healing means we now pause and take care of ourselves when triggered. Deep healing comes by turning the lens on us. We are subconsciously trying to heal our wounds by repeating patterns that bring up the same pain so as to get us in touch with the old pain. Often, within the breaking, we find our healing. An unhealed person can find offense in pretty much anything someone does. A healed person understands that the actions of others have absolutely nothing to do with them. IF WE LOOK AT THE EMOTION IN THE EYE, IT GIVES US POWER.  -Tori Eletto
56:00 Prayers

Notes Pending...

Notes Pending...

Congratulations to Tiffany Benton for winning the Bingo Card Challenge!!

Addressed these questions:

1. What is a good solution/strategy for two spouses who chronically interrupt during conversation?

2. What are some of the kind/soft phrases you like to use to take a timeout so that it’s not, “I quit, I’m done, I’m out of here.”

3. If a perspective-sharing conversation is getting off track, Gottman talks about using an agreed-upon word to put it back on track like “banana.” Do you like this idea?

4. If your spouse is sharing their perspective and you hear criticism, contempt, raised tone, defense…what to do? Would you listen all the way through first or practice a repair tool phrase?

5. When conversing, the attempt to “spot,” “notice,” or “point out" that the other person is flooded can turn into the other spouse feeling bullied, controlled, and judged. What do you recommend?

This led to the discussion of Emotional Safety that we read out of the Thrive Workbook:

A safe person:

  • Stays engaged and connected.
  • Is patient rather than prone to angry outbursts, fiery emotions, or defensiveness.
  • Will not shut down, respond passively, or draw away from conversations (if you don’t listen to your spouse’s dreams, someone else will).
  • Will not interrupt, argue, or respond with contempt or sarcasm.
  • Will not criticize another’s feelings or try to “fix” things but will be empathetic.
  • Refuses to judge the motives of others and tries to give the benefit of the doubt.
  • Will not try to convince others that they are wrong.
  • Makes the other person feel honored, valued, and understood.
  • Can be trusted to maintain confidentiality.

Great discussion on EEG. For more information see or my personal experience

Discussion on the Assessment - Break Free from Unhealthy Thinking

You can take the assessment at

Session with our counselor of 18 years, Dr "Boyd" Whaley - gold nuggets of wisdom!

A brave couple sharing their infidelity journey and what it took to get their marriage back on track. Don't miss out on this replay!!

Suggested ways to preface a conversation with your spouse

Discussion about how our emotional wounds can cloud our judgment.

June 8, 2022 Notes submitted by Shane Craven

Yung Pueblo

July 6, 2022

A new couple joined and since it was just the 4 of us we went deeper than we would have on a normal group mentoring call so we've chosen not to post the recording.

What do you do once you've paused? And the power of "Tell me more."

Love Languages 2.0 - Is your main emotional wound the opposite of your top relational need? Click here to watch Module 3: Lesson 6

Question: When reading about the four horsemen and the antidotes, Greg and I are struggling a bit with criticism. Usually, and not always, Montana is good at not using critical language. For instance, she'll say "It makes me sad that you don't agree that this is a strength of mine." However, Greg gets defensive to her "vibe." What can she do about her vibe? She doesn't know how to not feel sad or angry and have that not come across when talking.

Listen in on how Russ and I experienced a conversation that ended with me feeling tension and hurt. It was not apparent to him how hurt I was by his reaction or rather the lack of his reaction.

Analysis of a conflict, the practice of a repair, and the frustration involved with trying a new skill. One key takeaway is to learn what to do when you pause and take time away from each other. What should that conversation with yourself look like? See the last lesson in Module 5 - How to Pause?

Next week we will walk through an exercise we call the Frustration Exercise to help identify our "10" behavior and possibly tie it back to a past event. Then we will take what we learn about the Frustration Exercise and apply it in the Repair Process.

Reviewed the Frustration Exercise with the brave couple, Montana & Greg.

It's really helpful to understand when you're having a 10 reaction to a 3 circumstance what emotional wound it's triggering.

Montana and Greg did a great job connecting the dots to why they feel so frustrated when they get triggered.

If you want to skip the hellos and intros, we get started with the exercise at 13:21.

Ok, we didn't like talking the whole call. These zoom calls are for you!

Let me know if someone would like to volunteer to go through the Frustration Exercise or Repair Framework next week.

Learn how to change the trajectory of your marriage one conversation at a time.
Special thanks to Montana & Greg!

Discussion of how the Amygdala works.

We reviewed the weekly email we send out every Monday at 8:30pm EDT. It includes the zoom link, schedule of the calls, and all things inside the course.

We reviewed the Marriage Measurement Tool and Module One.

If you've already watched the Lessons inside Module One, you can skip to the group discussion at 35:00 minutes.

Review of Module 2 : Lessons 1-3

Review of Module 2 : Lesson 4

Review of Module 3 replay was not captured because I had technical issues and canceled the recording. When I signed back in I forgot to reset it. Story of my life today. Sigh!