Introductions through 13:15
Logistics 13:15 - 20:35
Marriage Principles 20:37 - end.
Brags through 08:00
Family of Origin 08:00 - 10:52
Personalizing 10:52 - 13:50
Stonewalling 13:50 - 33:00
Counselor Statistic 33:00 - 36:00
Self-Awareness 36:00 - end.
0 - 10:15 Introductions
10:15 - Administrative
11:55 Submitted Question
25:15 Three things you'd share with engaged couples?
31:50 What should you do when you have a bad reaction against your spouse?
39:00 getting hurt at a dinner party and how to repair
43:04 one second pause
53:40 how many times do we have to go back and reconcile with our spouse?
2:30 Shanty the Kitty
12:08 Q & A
Ignore things that frustrate us or offer grace?
23:45 Coaching and Vulnerability
via friendly gentle reminders
26:20 Toilet Seat example
29:40 80/20 Rule
31:45 Gratitude Journal
Brains are wired for survival so it’s easier for us to focus on the negatives
37:00 Anonymous Question
Addressing feeling devalued, disrespected and unimportant by your spouse…connect to past behavior (family of origin, marriage hurts over time) to understand the intensity of your anger. The more intense the feeling the more it is about you.
49:14 One second pause, timeout, be curious instead of furious
57:00 Recognize when your spouse is flooded and try to de-escalate yourself
58:45 When you get that angry, ask why did I get so upset? It’s more about me than about my spouse. Be curious instead of furious.
5:00 Book Recommendation: Healing Your Lost Inner Child by Robert Jackman
8:00 Wins continued…
15:30 Questions - What is the magic of relationships? You can respond or react. How do you process in real time?
29:00 Emotional Wounds
Reverse Engineer your emotional wound against your top relational need
Module 3 Lesson 6
Love Languages 2.0
36:00 Being short with our spouses
37:00 Should our spouses be mind readers?
40:00 Confident we will come back to the conversation. Helps to not fix in the moment.
44:30 Time Out
47:00 Chris Hodges Message
7:25 Better Marriage clip referenced in Tiffany’s #win
10:18 trust the process
16:30 benefit of a time out
18:15 what do you do when you come back after conflict? Repair process
Module 5/Lesson 5
22:33 end the standoff
See pic below shared by Jeanie Unger
26:30 apologizing for THEIR hurt
33:45 am I lovable?
36:45 power of one second
40:00 power of self-awareness
Yunga Pueblo quote via Dr Amen
Healing of your Inner Child
All Together You by Jenna Riemersma
49:45 there’s only one thing you can do in the 1-3 second pause
54:15 example of how Kim & Shane paused during their conflict
56:15 snake analogy
57:50 pulse oximeter
1:00 celebrate your wins!!
1:00 Bingo Card
Congratulations to Tiffany Benton for winning the Bingo Card Challenge!!
Addressed these questions:
1. What is a good solution/strategy for two spouses who chronically interrupt during conversation?
2. What are some of the kind/soft phrases you like to use to take a timeout so that it’s not, “I quit, I’m done, I’m out of here.”
3. If a perspective-sharing conversation is getting off track, Gottman talks about using an agreed-upon word to put it back on track like “banana.” Do you like this idea?
4. If your spouse is sharing their perspective and you hear criticism, contempt, raised tone, defense…what to do? Would you listen all the way through first or practice a repair tool phrase?
5. When conversing, the attempt to “spot,” “notice,” or “point out" that the other person is flooded can turn into the other spouse feeling bullied, controlled, and judged. What do you recommend?
This led to the discussion of Emotional Safety that we read out of the Thrive Workbook:
A safe person:
Discussion on the Assessment - Break Free from Unhealthy Thinking
You can take the assessment at https://intentionalmarriages.net/courses/wives-who-thrive-workshop/lessons/when-your-brain-lies-to-your/
Session with our counselor of 18 years, Dr "Boyd" Whaley - gold nuggets of wisdom!
A brave couple sharing their infidelity journey and what it took to get their marriage back on track. Don't miss out on this replay!!
Suggested ways to preface a conversation with your spouse
July 6, 2022
A new couple joined and since it was just the 4 of us we went deeper than we would have on a normal group mentoring call so we've chosen not to post the recording.
Question: When reading about the four horsemen and the antidotes, Greg and I are struggling a bit with criticism. Usually, and not always, Montana is good at not using critical language. For instance, she'll say "It makes me sad that you don't agree that this is a strength of mine." However, Greg gets defensive to her "vibe." What can she do about her vibe? She doesn't know how to not feel sad or angry and have that not come across when talking.
Listen in on how Russ and I experienced a conversation that ended with me feeling tension and hurt. It was not apparent to him how hurt I was by his reaction or rather the lack of his reaction.
Analysis of a conflict, the practice of a repair, and the frustration involved with trying a new skill. One key takeaway is to learn what to do when you pause and take time away from each other. What should that conversation with yourself look like? See the last lesson in Module 5 - How to Pause?
Next week we will walk through an exercise we call the Frustration Exercise to help identify our "10" behavior and possibly tie it back to a past event. Then we will take what we learn about the Frustration Exercise and apply it in the Repair Process.
Reviewed the Frustration Exercise with the brave couple, Montana & Greg.
It's really helpful to understand when you're having a 10 reaction to a 3 circumstance what emotional wound it's triggering.
Montana and Greg did a great job connecting the dots to why they feel so frustrated when they get triggered.
If you want to skip the hellos and intros, we get started with the exercise at 13:21.
Discussion of how the Amygdala works.
We reviewed the weekly email we send out every Monday at 8:30pm EDT. It includes the zoom link, schedule of the calls, and all things inside the course.
We reviewed the Marriage Measurement Tool and Module One.
If you've already watched the Lessons inside Module One, you can skip to the group discussion at 35:00 minutes.
Review of Module 2 : Lessons 1-3
Review of Module 2 : Lesson 4
Review of Module 3 replay was not captured because I had technical issues and canceled the recording. When I signed back in I forgot to reset it. Story of my life today. Sigh!