Bidding for Your Attention

It was the Spring of 2016 and we had lived in our dream home for two years. Before we married in 2004, Russ and I thought it would be a great idea to buy a 7,200 sq ft home, with the plans of living in it for the next 20 years. But within a couple years, it became clear we had bought a house bigger than we needed and definitely bigger than our bank accounts would cover, thanks to some creative lending. I was scared. Scared of not having a firm foundation for our new family and financially scared for looking stupid. (My Dad would constantly say when I was growing up,”Don’t be stupid!”) How could someone who was out of debt get back into debt so quickly?!

All the while, Russ seemed calm as a cucumber. It was both comforting and irritating. The irritation grew because we weren’t discussing an exit plan other than putting the house up for sale. But there were no bites on the house month after month. The tension became exponentially worse as the days passed by and so did our irritations with each other. It was one day after counseling where Boyd had suggested a plan be mapped out. Russ took the news literally and locked himself in the office for a couple hours. Afterwards, he shared the plan he had been relying upon the whole time.

Once I understood the direction we were headed in (I’m more of a visual learner and need to see things on paper) I was able to turn towards Russ instead of away. Boyd explained my nervousness and tension was a bid for Russ to help alleviate how we would weather this storm…together. Russ, being the master economics expert, had everything figured out (in his head) which explained his calm demeanor. Once it was on paper and mapped out, I was able to turn towards him instead of weathering the financial storm in isolation.

Not all bids are this serious but multiple small bids that go ignored or receive a poor response can destroy a marriage over time.

Gottman provides 6 examples for poor responses to bids:

For the sake of simplicity, we will make the bid in each of these descriptions the same – a totally harmless request for a helping hand.  Note: the bid we use as an example is a small request – the bigger the request, the more destructive the respondent’s turning against can be!

Contemptuous Responses 
The respondent makes hurtful disrespecting comments aimed at the person bidding for connection. Such put-downs are often delivered with an air of superiority, as if the speaker wants to put some distance between him/herself and the bidder, and intentional insults will do the trick:

Zoe: “Could you help me with the dishes?”
Mark: “Is that all you can ever say to me?”

Belligerent Responses
The respondent is provocative or combative. You get the sense that the speaker is looking for a fight. He or she would argue with whatever the bidder says, regardless of content. Belligerent responses often involve unfair teasing or a dare:

Zoey: “Could you help me with the dishes?”
Mark: “What’ll you do if I say no? Yell at me again and turn up that stupid music?!”

Contradictory Responses
The respondent seems intent on starting a debate or an argument. This is less hostile than a belligerent response, but it still blocks the bidder’s attempt to connect:

Zoey: “Could you help me with the dishes?”
Mark: “Why the dishes? Why can’t I just take out the garbage like I always do?”

Domineering Responses
The respondent attempts to control the other person. The respondent’s goal is to get the bidder to withdraw, retreat, or submit. You often hear a parental message in these responses, whether the speaker is a parental figure or not:

Zoey: “Could you help me with the dishes?”
Mark: “Don’t be ridiculous! You can do them all by yourself without me holding your hand!”

Critical Responses
The respondent makes broad-based attacks on a bidder’s character. They’re different from a complaint, which focuses on a particular event or specific behavior. When people are being critical, they frequently speak in global terms, saying things like “you always…” and “you never…” Often you’ll hear statements of blame or betrayal in these responses:

Zoey: “Could you help me with the dishes?”
Mark: “You’re so lazy and self-centered, I’ve got to do real work right now!”

Defensive Responses
The respondent creates a sense of separation by allowing the speaker to relinquish responsibility for matters at hand. If the bidder is upset about something, the respondent may act like an innocent victim of misplaced blame:

Zoey: “Could you help me with the dishes?”
Mark: “Don’t look at me, I’m tired. You’re the one who made the kitchen a mess anyway.”

These examples may remind you of experiences you’ve recently had in your relationship, the emotional response ranging from a simple frustration to one that is deeply hurtful. You are by no stretch of the imagination alone – we all experience these kinds of responses all the time! But in our most intimate relationships, the build up of such responses creates enormous and inevitable rifts. The more of these responses you experience, the more likely they are to destroy your relationship entirely.

Gottman believes “small, seemingly insignificant moments in a couple’s daily life are an important component to marital stability and health.” Be mindful of your everyday interaction. Are you being distant or preoccupied? Are you busy with work and unresponsive to insignificant interactions? These everyday moments add up. Wouldn’t it be nice if our bids for each other were as clear as a written invitation?!

List Of Minor Bids

1. Pay attention to what I say. – “How do I look?” “Did you see that squirrel?!”

2. Respond to my simple requests. – “Could you take Briggs for a walk?” “While you’re up, can you grab the salsa?”

3. Help or work with me. – “Let’s help Grandma outside.”

4. Show interest or active excitement in my accomplishments. – “Do you like my drawing?” “How were the cookies?”

5. Answer my questions or requests for information. – “Phoebe’s on the phone, can you give her our address?”

6. Chat with me. – “Let me tell you what happened when he came back…”

7. Share the events of your day with me. – “What’ve you been up to?”

8. Respond to my joke. – “Did you hear the one about…?”

9. Help me de-stress. – “I’ve been cooking all day, I’m so tired.”

10. Help me problem solve. – “Nancy wants to go on a walk but my foot hurts.”

11. Be affectionate. – “Come cuddle with me while I read.”

12. Play with me. – “Let’s get the chess board!”

13. Join me in an adventure. – “Do you want to explore the woods tomorrow?”

14. Join me in learning something. – “Let’s go to that ice-skating class!” *

Are your bids not being acknowledged? Perhaps your spouse doesn’t recognize the need for connection. Share your bid attempts with your spouse and help them recognize when you are reaching out to connect with them. We would love to hear how you bid for connection with your spouse? Please comment below!