A blog for your dating friends and a ‘birds and bees’ resource guide for parents!
What comes to mind when you think of the word courtship? Something your grandparents did? Arranged marriages? Before we dive into how Russ and I approached dating let’s take a step back and see how courtship has evolved into dating.
The first, and probably most important change we find in courtship practices in the West occurred in the early 20th century when courtship moved from public acts conducted in private spaces (for instance, the family porch or parlor) to private or individual acts conducted in public spaces, located primarily in the entertainment world, as Beth Bailey argues in her book, From Front Porch to Back Seat: Courtship in Twentieth Century America.
A second cultural force that influenced the older courtship system was the public entertainment culture was on the rise in the early 20th century, a proliferation of magazine articles and books began offering advice about courtship, marriage and the relationship between the sexes.
And the third cultural force, with the widespread use of birth control, the language of procreation — of having children — was separated from the language of marriage. As Unv. of Chicago ethicist Leon Kass argues in his chapter on courtship in Building a Healthy Culture: Strategies for an American Renaissance, under the old system of courtship, marriage and bringing a child into the world were inextricably linked. But no longer. With the ever decreasing risk of pregnancy, having sex and being married were no longer tied together.” ~Skip Burzumato on A Brief History of Courtship & Dating in America, Part I
Basically over time courtship lost it’s purpose and became dating. Courtship meant you saw only one person with the intent of marrying them. Dating today means seeing several people casually or seeing someone with the intent of marrying. But that is where the confusion lies. You may date someone you are interested in marrying but it may be just a casual dating relationship for the person you are seeing.
When Russ and I met in 2001 neither of us was interested in dating. I had just ended a bad relationship and was in the ninth month of taking a year off from dating (yes, an Andy Stanley suggestion.) Russ had been divorced a little over 4 months earlier. Dating was the furthest thing from his mind. It was the perfect condition to meet under because it allowed us to form a genuine friendship without any of the stressors of dating. Five months later we started discussing the possibilities of dating. We were both apprehensive. Ironically, I usually qualified guys out if they had been married before. Two unlikely people to start dating, wouldn’t you say. Yet our friendship had grown so strong, friends saw our chemistry for something more than we did initially.
I was immersed in books during my year off of dating. One of the books proposed dating with a purpose called courtship. It sounded antiquated but it certainly was an approach that would make me feel valued and respected.
What did courtship mean to us?
- To keep God in the middle of our relationship
- To keep the physical out of our relationship
- To commit that we would stop dating if we ever felt during the dating process that we could not ever be married to the other person
Nothing like past mistakes to motivate you to right the ship, huh?! We couldn’t change the past but we could renew our relationship and ‘start over’ with each other. I had been in many relationships where the physical was the primary glue. Keeping the physical out of this courtship approach brought Russ and I closer emotionally. Now I know many of you are wondering…did we at least kiss? Yes, we did but even at one point we took a break for obvious reasons and our friendship and love grew even deeper. Sounds sappy but I had never experienced such closeness with a guy without involving the physical. I knew if we could experience this kind of emotional intimacy before we married that I could trust my heart to Russ for a lifetime. Russ was intentional in getting to know me. Like Andy Stanley says, “It takes a pulse to fall in love but it takes a plan to stay in love.” I knew Russ would put the work into our relationship. This friendship allowed me the safety to be completely transparent. There is amazing freedom in being fully known.
But what if you didn’t fully disclose who you are? What if you fell into a rhythm of doing things a certain way but now you want to change? It feels so risky to share a change of direction when you’re so far into the dating relationship. How do you back up? Are you living with your significant other but want to start over? I’m not going to challenge you to do anything other than to consider this…what kind of relationship will you have if you can’t have a change of heart for fear of losing them.
We may impress people with our strengths but we connect with people through our weaknesses. -Craig Groeschel
You will have many many circumstances within marriage that will test you in ways you never dreamed about. The courage is standing in who you are today while you’re dating vs who you hope you’ll be in marriage. Having a heart to heart with the right person will only build upon your intimacy with each other. If you’re worried the person might end the relationship based on something important to you, how do you know that they will be there for you on the other side of marriage? Think about it. Ultimately you want someone aligned with your convictions.
Do you know anyone who has taken this approach? Does it sound old-fashioned? Do you want your children to follow this path? Then the book Love, Sex & Dating is a great read for anyone currently dating and for parents who want a great story for their children to tell one day. The title might use the word dating but it is truly the best book on courtship you will find out there. Plus if you’re wondering how to have the ‘birds & the bees’ talk, this book is an excellent guide! <wink> (you can click on book to go directly to amazon) Comment below…we’d love to hear your thoughts!
Resource Guide
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Linda Hoover says
I love what Andy Stanley said, “It takes a pulse to fall in love, but it takes a plan to stay in love.” Very very true. People have to work at a good marriage. My husband and I found out about courtship, and taught this to our children. Our firstborn daughter and her husband’s first kiss was at the marriage altar. She is now a Pastor’s wife and and they have six adorable children. We stressed staying pure and being friends during the courtship, and all three of our children did courtship. On each of our daughters’ 14th birthdays, their daddy took them to a fancy restaurant and gave them a purity ring.
danielle west says
It’s great to read about how you put this into action when you raised your children. We didn’t have anyone to mentor us through our dating season and because it was so counter cultural it was hard to find encouragement. But we stayed the course because we believed if we honored God with our actions, He would bless our intentions and hopefully our marriage.