Certain negative communication styles are so lethal to a relationship that Dr. John Gottman calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. They predict relationship failure with over 90% accuracy if the behavior isn’t changed. So, what can you do?
Practice these four research-based antidotes to save your relationship from certain destruction. Want to learn more? Visit http://www.gottman.com.
Unfortunately, it took years for me to undo my family of origin style of fighting – stonewalling. I really believed I was fighting fair because I wasn’t saying anything I’d regret. But I have learned how damaging it can be to our relationship when I check out of the conversation.
Russ and I have been very open with our commitment to counseling once a month. Probably the best measurement of counseling “success” is my ability to engage with Russ shortly after we’ve experienced an argument. In the past, I would shut down for days. After 30 seconds Russ is ready to talk about our plans for the weekend and I’m still looking at him cross-eyed wondering how he made the leap from fighting to being genuinely pleasant?! If it’s a serious argument I’ve promised Russ, if he’ll give me space, I’ll come back around and discuss the argument within 24 hours. Thankfully, it’s been more like within 2o minutes, sometimes even in the moment. But this took lots of practice and courage on my part!
Do you engage in any of the following stonewalling behaviors? Part of my justification in stonewalling is conflict is hard for me. There’s a chance I could be wrong in my position and I don’t want to take responsibility for my actions. It’s easier to fight with my husband in my head than in reality. But over time I have learned that stonewalling is just as emotionally abusive as yelling at each other so I’ve stopped justifying this behavior. Just because I wasn’t saying mean things doesn’t mean I wasn’t hurting my husband’s feelings. Gulp. Pride is a tough mask to remove! Do any of these behaviors hit close to home? Do you have an antidote that works for you? We’d love to learn from you! Please comment below.
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