Have you heard the online firestorm about Vice President Mike Pence? It’s been reported he will not dine alone with a woman other than his wife? Does this sound extreme?
At work, there are plenty of times you might be required to work with a member of the opposite sex. Maybe it’s discussing a project over lunch, grabbing a cup of coffee to review the latest PowerPoint, or driving to a conference together.
What’s so wrong about meeting alone with a member of the opposite sex for work if you’re married?
Are Mike Pence’s dining habits chivalrous or sexist?
A couple of years before meeting Russ, our church pastor Andy Stanley, discussed a message similar to the message in 2010 called Guardrails. Guardrails are simply a rail that prevents people from falling off or being hit by something. In the relational world, Andy defines it as “a standard of personal behavior that becomes a matter of conscience.”
Stepping out…
Guardrails showed up for me when Russ and I started seriously dating.
I had already been in corporate sales for 15 years in the hazardous waste industry where it was predominantly men. I loved my job, I was good at my job and I was successfully climbing the proverbial ladder.
When I made the decision to implement guardrails I was really nervous. I had decided I would not drive nor dine alone with a man, especially if they were married. I was working in Puerto Rico at the time and as small as the island may seem it could take up to 2 hours to drive to an appointment. Typically I would drive together with a colleague to a sales call.
One day my Puerto Rican male sales counterpart offered to drive. I hesitantly shared my new guardrail.
Surely, he would roll his eyes but instead, he said, “I wish my wife would set the same standards.”
It was the best response to receive right out of the gates because it would be what I leaned on for courage when sharing this new standard with others.
It wasn’t always so easy.
Management found out I was driving separately to sales appointments and shared their displeasure with my boss. Because I could still discuss strategy via the cell phone, I didn’t change this new guardrail but I did start paying for my own rental car costs.
Years later, after I had left the company, I had an opportunity to talk to the top Senior VP, who had publicly mentioned his disapproval regarding my guardrails. I shared why I had put those boundaries in place. Believe it or not, I even sent him the Guardrails messages which he listened to. He never did share if the message series made him change his position but it was neat that I had an opportunity to share why I had put these guardrails in place.
These guardrails also affected my sales appointments over lunch and dinners. This became a bit more difficult in a Corporate Sales position but I would arrange for another colleague and/or two clients to join me for lunch/dinner.
I think folks tend to misconstrue the reasoning behind these guardrails. I am not worried about most colleagues/clients’ intents but unfortunately, I do have two specific situations when I was alone with previous bosses and a client who was more interested in me than the work I was doing for them.
Oh no, he didn’t!
Here’s one of the scenarios I experienced with a client. Unfortunately, the situations with my bosses were much worse. I naively thought they were good friends. I’ll spare you the details about those incidents.
I had asked a colleague to join me because I suspected my client was interested in more than just hazardous waste. This colleague was frustrated to be dragged along because he knew about my guardrails and didn’t believe this client posed to be a threat.
After a boring non-descript lunch it ended with the client pulling me towards him and trying to kiss me…in front of my colleague?? I thought my colleague’s eyes were going to pop out of his head! Later I learned the client was fired internally for several sexual harassment charges against him.
I would encourage even single women in the work arena to establish guardrails. I was proud to put these personal standards in place and the message it sent to those around me. Putting guardrails in place was a demonstration of the respect I had for my relationship with Russ and for others, especially those who were married.
The prudent see danger and take refuge but the simple keep going and suffer for it. Proverbs 22:3
I’ve always loved Andy Stanley’s prayer of “please give me the wisdom to know what to do and the courage to do it.” It took a lot of courage to draw this line in the sand. It is certainly not the cultural norm as demonstrated with the backlash V.P. Mike Pence is experiencing.
I could tell most folks in my corporate world were being polite but the gossip eventually caught up with me that I was a bit crazy to take these guardrails this far. I was prepared to receive a lot of backlash from men who might feel offended and honestly, I was concerned about what it might to do my career.
Ultimately, my belief was if I’m doing this with the right intentions let the chips fall where they may.
Hubba-Hubba
You might know from other blogs that I struggle with trust so naturally, you would assume it would carry over into my marriage. I’m grateful that my trust issues are limited to not believing a compliment from Russ but I never worry about Russ with other women, including his former wife. He has always shown great respect for me when it comes to declining opportunities to go to lunch or drive alone with a female colleague/client/friend.
In Closing
So when folks show disrespect for Vice President Mike Pence and his guardrails, they assume he won’t allow women to succeed. In my opinion, it is the epitome of him showing respect to women in the workplace.
Keep in mind there are plenty of opportunities to invite a third person to a meeting/meal.
And yes, there are times when I got stuck because the third person didn’t show but I simply would text/call my husband.
It’s always made Russ feel safe knowing my boundaries do not lean up against the line but our guardrails sit way back making it quite difficult to cross these sensitive boundaries.
Its interesting people don’t think they need to put guardrails in place for themselves but they appreciate their boyfriend/girlfriend/fiancees/spouses putting guardrails in place.
Again, most people do not have ill intentions but having guardrails removes the risk altogether. It’s a personal standard that is meant to protect. Your relationship is worthy of protection.
What are your thoughts? Do you think this goes too far? Do you implement these boundaries? If so, what has it been like for you?
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