We judge ourselves by our intention. Others judge us by our behavior. -Dr. Henry Cloud
Has your spouse ever misinterpreted your behavior? I certainly misinterpreted Russ’ behavior last week.
Russ and I had arrived a bit late for church and sat down in the first place we could find.
We ended up sitting next to a gal who is in my small group on Wednesday nights. After church was over I had the opportunity to catch up with her for a bit. She had a rough week so naturally I asked her a few questions.
Russ stood by for a bit and appeared to be restless and ready to go. At least, that is what I saw and felt.
Initially, it really frustrated me because I feel I’m patient when we run into his friends. So I kept this thought to myself until we ran into one of my other friends later that day. This time Russ was anxious to leave because he was exhausted and wanted to get back home.
It was after this second encounter I committed one of the cardinal sins…I used the word ‘always.’
After we left this second encounter I said I was frustrated with his body language of wanting to get going and I said, “You always seem to do this when we are around my friends.” He then explained how exhausted he was and didn’t have the energy to carry a conversation and I knew that before we ran into this second friend. He expressed how he wished I would have honored his state of being and kept the encounter brief.
He also shared how supportive he was with my friend after church. I said it appeared you were anxious to go after church but he said he had no issues with waiting on me. Again, I judged him by his body language because his intention wasn’t clear to me.
This exchange allowed us to figure out a way to know each other’s intentions in the moment instead of judging each other. This might seem minor but the next time we encounter this situation, we now have a way of knowing what’s important. And that ultimately continues to draw us closer to each other.
Remember,
We judge ourselves by our intention. Others judge us by our behavior. -Dr. Henry Cloud
Unless you talk things through, no matter how minor, and share your intentions, you’ll struggle connecting with your spouse.
Do you have a time where you had good intentions but your spouse misread the situation? Share below. We learn better through each other so we hope you’ll share!
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Gerri Vereen says
Great post and love the quote from Dr. Cloud. Thanks for your honest and vulnerable sharing.
danielle west says
Thanks Gerri! It’s one of my new favorite quotes. It explains why we so easily get frustrated with each other because we think our spouse should automatically know our intentions.
Ashleymae Martin says
The word “always” is so extreme and I have used it when explaining my husband’s behavior, but defend it till the bitter end when he uses it on me. This was a helpful read. Thank you for sharing your experience 🙂
danielle west says
It’s so crazy how we’ll be fine lumping them into generalizations but don’t do it to us!! haha Words like ‘always’ and ‘never’ and ‘you should or you need’ are big no-nos in our house. But as you can see it doesn’t mean that I won’t fall into the trap of saying them! Thanks for sharing, Ashleymae!
Susie Pease says
I am guilty of using the word “always” too –we both are. It takes a lot of conscious effort and intention to use restraint with that word, but worthwhile for sure.
danielle west says
Thanks for sharing, Susie! Defensiveness always (haha) follows the words, ‘you should’ – ‘you always’ – ‘you never’ – it’s hard to not use them when you’re frustrated. Knowing how defensive we are on the receiving end of these words motivates us look for different vocabulary to describe our frustrations. You both are doing great work in being self aware of this dangerous little word ‘always.’