What’s your Enneagram Number?
Last week we introduced you to the Enneagram Personality Assessment Test. I love assessment tests because they not only validate what you’re doing right but this test also shares what your behavior looks like under stress. You are either very self aware and know your weaknesses or family and friends have pointed it out to you. So sorry if it’s been the latter!
If you did any research about the Enneagram and studied your number type, you probably also learned that it takes a while to land on your correct number. You’re probably a little bit of all the numbers but there is one number that is your core behavior. They say it can take several times of taking the test to land on the same one. Conditions vary throughout the day and night, you could be hungry or tired when you take the test or perhaps just come off of a long stressful day. Keep retaking it until you land on the same number and then ask your family and friends if it sounds accurate.
Let’s get personal!
I’ve gone back and forth between a ‘3’ and a ‘1’ but the more I take it the more times I’m a ‘1.’ The circle will also indicate which type of behavior you move towards when you are stressed or healthy. When I’m stressed I become and unhealthy ‘4’ – “moody and irrational.” When I’m growing towards becoming healthy, I am “spontaneous and joyful” like the healthy ‘7s.’ Sort of like what’s captured in the picture below! haha
Now here’s where it gets interesting. Have your spouse take the test and then see how compatible you are in your relationship.
So I’m a ‘1’ – the Reformer – Rational, Idealistic Type: Principled, Purposeful, Self-Controlled and Perfectionistic
Russ is a ‘2’ – the Helper – Caring, Interpersonal Type: Demonstrative, Generous, People-Pleasing, and Possessive
Twos feel that they must take care of everyone else’s needs before they are allowed to have needs themselves. Life is about serving others and making themselves useful so that others will need them and want them in their lives.
Both Ones and Twos, therefore, find it difficult to talk about what they are actually feeling, what is actually going on in the relationship, and what they actually want.*
In this kind of relationship, there are often ulterior motives and unstated agendas, with no one able to admit that they are not getting what they want—much less that they might not be happy or fulfilled. For both, getting what they want feels selfish and forbidden.
*This was true early on in our relationship. Russ would magnify and make mountains out of molehills and I would retreat and shut down…neither of us communicating very well. I’m not sure how we would have moved on from this behavior if it wasn’t for doing the hard work via counseling.
I used to be so embarrassed about going to counseling. The eye rolls from others were all in jest but I could feel the quiet judgement. Had I not been the one going to counseling, I would have been judgemental, too! It wasn’t until the tools we learned started to work that I stopped caring if people knew we were going to counseling.
Just suck it up!
I grew up with a family that believed in sucking it up and dealing with it. Counseling was for the weak. So, yes, it took some time for me to overcome the stigma. Now when I talk to people who put up excuses I share how they can’t afford not to go. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…why is it we won’t accept coaching in the most important relationship in our life, especially if we have children? We hire personal trainers for our health, we hire accountants to do our taxes, we hire professional coaches to guide us in our careers, etc…
Ones can be uncomfortable with the Two’s effusiveness and need for contact; Twos can be uncomfortable with the One’s sarcasm and irritability. Both will simmer with anger that will slowly but inexorably, lead to escalating arguments.
This has rung true for both of us. Russ can handle and desire much more contact with others than I do and my sarcasm and irritability can be laborious for him in our relationship.
Russ and I don’t represent nor match everything in the Enneagram Assessment but it helps to have a characterization to ponder on and discuss with each other. One thing I’m incredibly grateful for is seeing what 15 years of counseling has done for our marriage.
Do you find behavior that is deemed as unhealthy? It’s never too late to go to counseling. What if your spouse won’t join you? Let me assure you there is enough work in all of us to go on our own. Model for your spouse what you would like them to do for you.
So where did you land?
Did your Enneagram describe you accurately? Was any of the compatibility summation correct about you and your spouse?
Give it a try and let us know your feedback!
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