First City Church Marriage Conference Q & A

In February 2018, Russ and I led a Marriage Conference at First City Church in Pensacola, FL. What an amazing experience! We arrived ready to give and we ended up feeling like the recipients. What a special church, congregation, staff…we loved every minute of it! There is so much love and grace pouring out of that church. They must have a great leader! <wink> Yes, Pastor Rick, we’re talking about YOU!!

During the conference we opened up the floor to questions. We provided Russ’ cell phone so questions would remain anonymous and to our surprise we had both questions asked directly from the audience and via text. This group was not shy but more importantly it showed how much they want to grow and understand how to be intentional in their marriages. Their energy and passion to learn was almost palpable!

Below are several of the questions asked during the Conference. We thought we would not only share with the First City Church audience but we thought you, the Intentional Marriages Community, might benefit from the answers, as well.

Questions & Answers

Please let us know if we adequately answered your questions in the comment section below or by privately emailing us at danielle@intentionalmarriages.net.

As a Minimizer, how would you add value to a situation or issues that seems small to you?

During the conference we had the Married Couples take an exercise called Break Free from Unhealthy Thinking. Based on the answers it would determine if you were more of a Personalizer, Magnifier, Polarizer, Minimizer, etc…

To answer this question, we refer you back to the Brené Brown Empathy vs Sympathy video. Empathy does not come naturally to my husband, Russ. It has been a learned behavior and one that has gotten much better after watching Brené’s video! Russ still does not feel the depth of my feelings towards a situation but he now verbally is able to enter into my empathetic world and doesn’t try to silver line it nor dismiss it. Perhaps taking an empathetic look at the situation just might add the value your spouse was hoping for? Let us know how this works out for you?

What was your first date? Have you ever recreated it?

Our first date was at my house. Russ picked up sushi, we watched an episode of the TV series ’24’ and talked for hours. This has been easy to recreate minus my cat, Alex, who was sitting in between us making sure we weren’t touching each other.

How do you work on not bringing up past arguments or fails (besides the Weekly Check-In?)

Danielle: It’s easier for me to hold onto it until the Weekly Check-In because that is more my style but I also don’t like the reactions when I bring them up randomly. Russ is emotionally safe when we do the check-in but he’s quite the opposite when he is caught off-guard. So that’s another motivation for me to wait until it’s safe. Over time we have gotten better when we use the softened startup question, “Is now a safe time to talk about this?” This lets him know I have something hard to say and it’s also saying “I’m hoping you’re not going to verbally attack me for it.”

Russ: The softened startup question is key and using I/Me statements. I need your help..I am hurting…It would mean a lot to me if…

Do you do the Weekly Check-In as a date?

Great question! No, we don’t. The weekly check-in may or may not be a hard conversation. There are some weeks where we don’t have something hard to share. Remember the Weekly Check-In is used to both address the hurts but also celebrate the hoorays. We keep our dates separate from this exercise.

What do you do when one spouse wants to be involved in a lot of activities but the other spouse is feeling like they are doing too much and can’t effectively do everything well? (especially being emotionally present because emotions are given to all other activities.)

Danielle: Early in our marriage it would have been very easy for me to become a football/golf widow. Russ could have been consumed with football games at night and golf after work and over the weekends but he knew our season as a family would be temporary season with our kids…meaning that time flies and you don’t get a do over. As we entered into the empty nester stage we both have had more freedom to add more activities, both together and separate.

Our recommendation is based on your current stage of life, share the hopes and dreams of what this season looks like to you. And ask your spouse to do the same. Perhaps you can make a list and see how you could better support each other in your extracurricular activities? Maybe some are put on hold for a season or maybe there are some you could do together? Let us know how this conversation goes?

Russ: Make sure your spouse feels they are your top priority. It starts with understanding their hopes, dreams and top relational needs. Then show them by your actions. Carve out time for them. Give them your undivided attention. Ask for feedback on how you are doing in making them a priority. 

What do I do if my husbands ranks a 2 in all relational needs?

Danielle: During the conference we did an exercise about Top Relational Needs. The couples were to rank their relational needs with 1 being the strongest need and 8 being the least need.

Although Russ and I had done the Love Language assessment, we found that my top relational needs, Attention and Respect, weren’t on the Love Language list. Your husband may not align with any of the Relational Needs, have you explored the Love Languages in depth?

Russ: If someone ranks a 2 in all relational needs, it sounds like there may be an underlying need that they all tie too. Mine is the need to be validated that I am a good person. Therefore, I need lots of appreciation, respect, encouragement, attention, affection, etc as long as it validates that I am a good person. 

How does a spouse feel safe to practice conflict and not feel like they are going to pay the price of the end result for bringing up a tough topic?

Danielle: This is not an exercise you can do alone. There has to be a commitment by both of you to create the emotional safety needed when discussing tough topics.

As we shared in the Conference, Russ modeled very well for over a year during the Weekly Check-In when I would bring up things he had done to hurt me. He validated my feelings, he apologized and asked how he could do things differently. So when I pushed him to tell me if I had frustrated him that week, he would always say no. Finally, I said you’re making me nervous that resentment is building up because you never share with me. So he stepped out of his comfort zone and shared how I had really frustrated him and my immediate reply was a disgusted, “Seriously?” Not a very safe response by yours truly. I share this example to make a point. It takes practice. Lots of practice.

So give each other some grace when doing this new weekly check in exercise and pause when things get heated. It’s important to understand when you get flooded and the steps you need to do to calm down. Hopefully you can join our next webinar on Emotional Flooding, March 22nd, where we will talk about the biological response when conversations get heated and how to revisit those conversations.

What is the difference between criticism and giving an observation?

Danielle: As Russ said during the Conference, it’s not an observation if it’s coming across as criticism. In the video about the 4 Negative Communication Patterns by Dr Gottman, we learned criticism is the leading indicator that can lead to divorce.

How is the observation being communicated? Are you using ‘I’ statements? Is the person’s character being attacked? What is the motivation behind the observation?

Russ: Tone of voice and body language have a lot to do with as well. A softened startup helps with tone and body language. 

How do we process all the stuff that came up during the conference?

Great question…there was a firehose of information thrown at you all. And it may have uncovered some issues you didn’t know were there. This can be frustrating since you may have wished the ‘pot wasn’t stirred.’

We disagree.

We believe addressing things, even if they were dormant, will eventually surface. If it takes years there will be anger and resentment that will accompany these unaddressed issues. So in our humble opinion, we recommend seeing a counselor to help process through issues that have surfaced. We see a counselor as a life coach…someone who can come along side of you both and coach you from the sidelines. We are hoping to dispel the notion that people only see counselors when their marriage is in trouble.

Or perhaps you can seek out an older couple who is ahead of you in life and ask if they would be willing to mentor you. There’s so much we can learn from people ahead of us in both in life and in experience.

Also, joining a Married Small Group is vital. Doing life together is truly the best way to create community around our marriages and and share what is working and not working.

With the question, “What is it like being on the other side of me?” How do you address when their perception is not what your intention was? We understand it’s important to validate their perception but how do you better communicate your genuine intention? When what they felt was not what you intended. You had a loving reason for why but it just didn’t come across that way. How do we get them to believe that?

Russ: This is one of the harder questions. It requires each person to understand why they are responding in a way the other cannot relate to. Danielle and I struggle with this sometimes. We have to really try to enter the other’s way of thinking. We do this by asking several questions. These challenging perceptions usually tie back to our deepest wounds so understanding both our wounds and how they impact us has helped us. 

Where is the exercise “What’s it like to be on the other side of me?” in the Booklet?

This question was not in the Booklet. It was one takeaway from Session One. We can however provide some more insight here. Russ and I loved doing this exercise but we did have to practice emotional safety and apply some great listening skills.

Initially, I did not realize how long this conversation would go but when I started off sharing with Russ on “What it was like to be on the other side of him,” I shared all the wonderful ways it was to be on the other side of him. I took my time and I was very specific. This took about 30 minutes. And then when I talked about the times it’s hard being on the other side of him. He listened, he took notes, he asked questions. What he didn’t do was become defensive or disagree with me. But I also was careful in how I shared the harder stuff.

Standing in this truth is hard to do but if you can rise above the natural resistance to disagree you can actually learn something about yourself.

So create an emotional safe environment, be generous in sharing the good traits, take notes, and ask lots of questions.

Let us know how this exercise goes for you?!

It sounds like there’s a difference between compassion and empathy in the context of working through marriage challenges and past wounds. Could you talk through the difference of these two skills?

Compassion is the ability to feel for another living being. Empathy is the ability to not only understand another’s feelings, but also to become one with that person’s distress…to put yourself in their shoes and imagine what they’re going through in that situation.

Compassion developed for each other through counseling. Typically it’s bad behavior that kicks off a counseling session but after a few onion layers are peeled back, we can see the connection between the bad behavior and a past childhood wound. We naturally develop compassion because we see where the hurt is coming from and understand the bad behavior. Don’t get me wrong…it doesn’t mean we accept or like the bad behavior but we are less likely to take it so personally moving forward.

Empathy steps into the pain and doesn’t try to dismiss it or silver line the pain. Empathy is not expecting your spouse to feel exactly the way you do but simply connecting with something inside yourself that shows the other person you understand what they are going through.

What makes something better when someone is in pain is connection, it’s not saying the right thing or trying to fix it. ~Brené Brown

Do you have any advice on work life balance?

The best recommendation we can make here is a book by Andy Stanley.

Work. Family. Church. Hobbies. Fitness. Housekeeping. Socializing. Sleep. With only 24 hours in each day, we simply can’t fit everything in. And what we choose to cheat is a clear announcement of our values. When you come home an hour earlier, miss a round of golf, or let the dishes sit while you play with your child, you make your family feel valued and secure. Bestselling author Andy Stanley helps you restore your vision of what really matters – and guides you in making courageous decisions about your time.

Click on image above to purchase on Amazon.

How do you find a good Counselor?

The best way we know how to find a good Counselor is to interview 2-3 recommended Counselors. You can ask your church, local hospitals, colleges for recommendations. Set up a consult, not a counseling session, and bring a list of questions. Use hypothetical situations to help discern if you like the advice they recommend.

How do you tell your spouse you need more help and support when all they do is get mad when you try to tell them?

We realize we may sound like a broken record at this point in the blog but going back to the Weekly Check-In, this is where sharing what’s important to you should be discussed. Be careful about bringing things up when your spouse may be Hungry. Angry. Lonely. or Tired. Remember the acronym H.A.L.T.

It’s all in the delivery of sharing. Use a softened startup question…”Is now a good time to ask you something that is important to me?” Now you are approaching your spouse with a vulnerable ask as opposed to just sharing a chore list.

How do you get your spouse to understand there is nothing wrong when you say there is nothing wrong and they want to keep pushing to make something?

We’re going to assume the one being asked the question is replying with the word, “Nothing.” or “I’m fine.” Perhaps instead of replying, ask questions. Get curious. What is causing them anxiety to keep pushing? Enter into their world. Help alleviate their anxious based questioning.

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We are most likely familiar with the Scripture in 1 Cor 13:4-8 but this time when you read it, read each sentence slowly. Simply put, love is kind. Remember to be kind to each other.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 

These have been fantastic questions and we hope we have answered them to your satisfaction. If for any reason you need clarification or have additional questions, please feel free to comment below or privately email us at danielle@intentionalmarriages.net.

First City Church Married Couples and the FCC Staff, thank you again for allowing us into your community! Thank you for being a part of ours here in the Intentional Marriages Membership Website. If you’re ever in Atlanta, drop us a note…we’d love to see you!

Stay Intentional!

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