What stabs you in the heart?
Is it being yelled at?
Is it being misunderstood?
Is it being taken advantage of?
What stabs me in the heart is being ignored.
This is vulnerable for me to share and being ignored is the root cause for most of my emotional pain in life. There is nothing that shuts me down emotionally and makes me feel invisible quite like being ignored. On the surface, I have an easy explanation, which stems from my middle school days. Who doesn’t have a middle school story?
THE POPULAR KIDS
A group of popular kids were sitting in the cafeteria while I was outside in the courtyard playing with a different clique of friends, who were not the “cool kids.” A kid from the popular group told me to join them in the cafeteria. He let me know my choice to hang out with the different clique was not acceptable.
I chose not to reply to him and stayed in the courtyard. I refused to be pushed into choosing one group over another. Little did I know this decision would haunt me for the rest of my school years. I really didn’t think much of it at the time. The next morning as usual, I walked up to the popular group’s circle to catch up on all the tv shows we watched the night before. (c’mon, it was middle school. haha) The popular kids collectively turned their back on me, not allowing me to enter the circle of conversation. I don’t think I’ve ever had a more embarrassing moment…other than when my wrap-around skirt flying up from the wind walking to class one day. I may not have remembered the event of the kids turning their back on me if their behavior had only lasted for one day. Their behavior towards me continued on through middle school and all through high school. I allowed this to shatter my self-confidence and it became deeply embedded in my heart.
Now if you do any kind of therapy you know the silly example above would not have taken root if there wasn’t already something there before the incident. It was 30 years later when I learned about Attachment Disorder.
ATTACHMENT DISORDER
Attachment disorder is a broad term intended to describe disorders of mood, behavior, and social relationships arising from a failure to form normal attachments to primary care giving figures in early childhood. Such a failure would result from unusual early experiences of neglect, abuse, abrupt separation from caregivers between 6 months and three years of age, frequent change or excessive numbers of caregivers, or lack of caregiver responsiveness to child communicative efforts resulting in a lack of basic trust. A problematic history of social relationships occurring after about age three may be distressing to a child, but does not result in attachment disorder. (Source: Wikipedia)
Years later in counseling, I learned through conversations with my mom and grandmother, that after I was born I spent my first year and a half to two years with my grandmother, Kakky and her sister, Beppy in The Netherlands.
My Mom had me out of wedlock. It was the late 60s and it was personally and culturally embarrassing to have a baby and not be married. At some point, my biological father tried to distance himself from my mother and me. I can only imagine what fear and anxiety it caused my mother. She desperately tried to hold onto the relationship, which meant leaving me in Holland with my grandmother and going to Pennsylvania to salvage their relationship. She came back to visit me now and then but this arrangement lasted almost two years.
After my mother’s relationship with my biological father came to an end, my mom came back to Holland and we moved to St. Maarten. Kakky remained in Holland. Kakky was an excellent caretaker and loved me dearly so I often wonder how hard this was on her when I left. And I can’t help but think how confusing it was for a two year old to leave with a different ‘mother.’
Growing up I always lacked a natural maternal feeling towards my Mom but never understood why. I had such deep guilt and always thought something was wrong with me. It wasn’t until I learned about Attachment Disorder and what it can do to a child in the beginning years. I fought this explanation for years because I have no memory of it but I’ve learned through research that my situation did impact me as a baby, even when no cognitive memory is remembered. Add in the additional rejection I had with an absentee biological father and you have one crushed spirit.
TODAY
So fast forward, I struggle on every level when someone ignores me. It still strips me of every cell of confidence. And it makes me feel like the rejected little school girl all over again. I’ve tried not to take being ignored so deeply but I believe this will always be my ‘thorn in the flesh.’ I know this has developed my level of empathy for others because I never want anyone to feel ignored or feel like an outsider.
Looking back now I can say I’m proud I took a stand and didn’t fold because a popular group of people (or as my middle/high school best friend refers to them as the ‘mean girls’) looked down on another group of people in the courtyard. I still have people in my life where I feel ignored. In my younger days, I would ignore people back but a pivotal message Rx for the Fractured Family taught me differently. No matter how much someone ignores me, I will not do the same to them. Some would call that grace and others may say it has nothing to do with me. Either way, I will share the grace Christ has shown me.
Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. -Hebrews 4:16
What does this have to do with marriage? Understanding your spouse’s filter may help you understand their behavior. My husband understands when I have meltdowns over being ignored by someone and why I make assumptions about a situation. He still can be frustrated with me because he can look at some of the situations and see it has nothing to do with me. Nonetheless, it helps him develop compassion for me because he understands why I may see things the way I do. This only draws us closer to each other.
What stabs you in the heart? Do you ever feel this pain of being ignored? Have you been able to connect the dots to your deep emotional pain with the past? Or is it too difficult to look at? What if you did and it freed you up? Share your thoughts below.
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Linda Hoover says
I love reading your blog, Danielle. You are an excellent writer and mentor. I am enjoying learning from your articles, and I can identify with your “life stories.” Thank you for being transparent and real. We all have stories of hurts in our childhood which affect us today. My best friend from 3rd grade to college was actually my worst enemy. She constantly plotted ways to hurt me, to isolate me from other friends, to make me feel “left out,” and said the ugliest things to me … seriously, friends can be so hurtful. “Encouraging words” and “spending quality time” are my top two love languages. 🙂 My mother would say to me, “Linda, she is mean to you because she is jealous of you being so pretty.” I didn’t believe my mother. Fast forward to my mother’s funeral in 2012. I am in my 50’s. My best friend (enemy?) from my school days came to the funeral. I had not seen her in decades, but my memory was quite good about all the hurts she inflicted on me from the school days. Then, the unexpected happened. She said, “I am sorry for being so mean to you for all those years. I was mean to you because I was jealous of you being so much prettier than me.” My first reaction was to turn to my mother’s casket and think, “Mom, you were right.” But then, I looked at my friend, smiled, and said, “I forgive you.” It was a healing moment for both of us. I know I have brought “baggage” into my marriage because of feeling hurt, isolated, ignored and “plotted against” in my school days. I am still a work in progress. Thank you, Danielle for taking the time to write your articles. Your marriage articles are so helpful to me. XOX~
danielle west says
Linda, thank you so much for your encouragement but more importantly thank you sharing your story! Wow, how gut wrenching. Such a shame all those years went by because of her jealousy. Because we personalized those “stabs” it changed the trajectory of our future relationships. I’ve learned from counseling we can never heal but we can manage these wounds. How powerful for you to make the connection how this shows up in your marriage. Recognizing it is half the battle. Best wishes on “managing” through this wound. You are not alone!! xo