IN THE BEGINNING…
Russ walked into our kitchen one late afternoon excited about hearing from an old time buddy. We had been married for a few months and we were planning to go out for a date that evening. We had joint custody so the kids would be with their mother. I had already started to get ready for the evening but when I saw how excited Russ was about his friend and learned he would only be in town that evening, I suggested for Russ to join the friend and cancel our date.
To my surprise, Russ was angry at this suggestion. I honestly thought I was being thoughtful and was shocked by his reaction. At first, I thought he was kidding but when I noticed he wasn’t, I retreated. I didn’t know what to say and I certainly didn’t appreciate such a mean response to what I thought was a selfless suggestion.
Russ’ Perspective:
As in most marriage disagreements, I saw it from a different point a view. We had only been married a few months, we were both working hard at our jobs and I was coaching both our son and daughter’s sports teams, so I was really looking forward to a wonderful “date night” with my wife. From my perspective, when I told Danielle that an old college buddy was in town and wanted to meet up, she assumed I would rather meet up with him rather than be with her. I had an immediate (angry) overreaction which started the three days of silent treatment. I blamed her for the disagreement and expressed contempt for her silent treatment. As I have learned, whenever I have a magnified overreaction, it is more about me than the other person. What really happened was Danielle bumped into an old emotional wound and I took out past hurt on her. Understanding how past wounds impact our marriage has been one of the most helpful lessons in our marriage.
In my (Danielle’s) family of origin, there was no sharing opinions or disagreements. Only my parent’s opinions were voiced and you learned to keep quiet. I also observed in my family of origin that if you cross someone, they ignored you, sometimes for days, weeks or even years. So I did what came naturally. I went away and kept quiet … for three days. On day two, Russ asked how long would it be before we could talk. I didn’t respond but my actions took it to another day of silence.
WHAT’S A GIRL TO DO?
Internally, I was stuck. I was really hurt for being nice. How dare he be angry at me for being thoughtful. If this was how he was going to react to me being nice, I wanted out. Sounds extreme but I was that hurt and angry. In the past, I used to break up with guys and move on. What do you do if you’re married and don’t believe in divorce? The only option I came up with was to emotionally divorce him. I wasn’t going to talk to him, no more sex, just planned on being civil with no relationship. It makes me laugh to think back on how I thought this was a long term viable plan?? But how many of us are rational with our thoughts when we are flooded?!
TIME OUT!
I was so taken back by his reaction but when I finally stopped to listen to how this situation went down for him, it made sense. It scares me today to think how determined I was to stick to my version of the story and never allow his perspective, his story, a chance. I’d like to share that we learned from this first argument in our marriage but this style went on for years before bad habits were broken and new tools were learned and applied.
BONUS CONTENT: 3 Vital Steps on How to Repair after an Argument
FAMILY OF ORIGIN IMPACT
We had a lot to overcome with our past and not because our parents didn’t try…they parented us with the best tools they had been given, considering the baggage they experienced. It took lots of counseling to understand the impact of our family of origin, compassion in learning why we react the way we do and lots of practice in applying new ways to interact with each other.
NOW WHAT?
Perhaps you recently got married and you’re wondering who this spouse is you’re waking up next to? Or you’ve been married for years and frustrated that you keep having the same arguments over and over. There is hope. Russ and I are two incredibly independent, alpha personalities, stubborn with a strong desire to always be right. Dangerous combination, huh? So maybe it takes more counseling sessions for us than it would for you but if we hadn’t learned a different and better way to interact, our marriage would be miserable. It took someone who was professionally trained in relationships, who wasn’t emotionally attached, to teach us new ways to process hurt, arguments, frustrations, etc…
REFINER’S FIRE*
This November (2018) we will celebrate our 14th wedding anniversary and I would still say, I do. The first few years of our marriage were constant lessons but we were just as stubborn to fight for each other and for our marriage. So my advice to a newly married gal? Hang in there, you are becoming one and it won’t be like the fairytales you dreamed of, it will be hard but you will learn over time that God is working on your heart and your character. Or perhaps you’ve been married for several years and wondering how do you backtrack now? Maybe your spouse isn’t interested in counseling. Then go by yourself. We all have plenty of work to do on our own. This was probably the biggest lesson for me to learn. Become the kind of spouse you wish your spouse would be.
*A refiner’s fire refines. It purifies. It melts down the bar of silver or gold, separates out the impurities that ruin its value, burns them up, and leaves the silver and gold intact. God is like a refiner’s fire.” -John Piper
We all know the verse used in most weddings 1 Corinthians 13:4 but pay attention to the first three words:
Love is patient.
and the verse after it, 1 Corinthians 13:5:
Love does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
These are great principles to keep in mind but if you struggle to apply them, seek some wise counsel. We seek out personal trainers for our fitness goals, we hire tax accountants to do our taxes, we use financial planners to help meet our money goals. Why wouldn’t you invite a professional into one of the most important relationships in your life? If not for you or your spouse, do it for the children because they are watching.
Did this hit a little too close to home? Do you live in the Atlanta area? Here’s our favorite counselor, who we have referred no less than a 100 couples to:
Dr Boyd Whaley @ 678.242.9355
ngfcc.org
Have you been to a counselor and would be willing to share your experience below in the comments to encourage others?
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